Berkeley News 15, Mission Street Dealers 7

RECAP: We were forced to journey to the sun-baked wilderness of southeast Berkeley, to play on a junior high-sized field against junior high-sized men. We fell into an early hole and never caught up to those tiny but skilled baseball wonks with postgraduate degrees and health insurance, seemingly none of whom have the slightest anxiety about hitting with two strikes. This is because they are robots. On the plus side, Will hit a lot of them.

PLAYER OF THE GAME:  Crizzle. Before today he had struggled somewhat to adapt to the low level of play in our league, sort of like how Einstein got bad grades in school. Today it came together, and he is now basically a WMD who probably violates several of the Geneva Conventions. There will be desperate meetings about how to deal with him. He will probably get walked a lot.

PONTIAC VIBE DRIVE(S) OF THE GAME: GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. You were probably there, you saw it. You want me to paint you a fucking picture? A "word picture?" Go to hell.

Honorable Mention: John Segura's RBI blast to deep right-center. He is quietly and unexpectedly turning into Ted goddamn Williams. (They're both ferocious Mexican-American lefty mashers from southern California, and they both fought in the Korean War.)

DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE GAME: Mark Moss relentlessly tracking a deep gapper to right-center and making a fucking insane backwards-leaping catch over his head. He is a gazelle that drinks cheetah blood. He is a major cause of Indonesian tsunamis.

Honorable Mention: Thoms to Toesy to Gomez for our first double play of 2013 (against the News' leadoff hitter, no less). A nice shorthop at SS, a nice transfer at 2B, and a nice pick at 1B.

FAT JOKE OF THE GAME: Sam Bull beating out a grounder to the 5.5 hole and being congratulated by first base coach Will Cornyn: "Only seven seconds to first base!"

WORST THING OF THE GAME: Some befuddled baserunner plowing into Mark Moss, which somehow didn't result in an interference call, which set up the

QUOTE OF THE GAME: "You have to respect the umpire"-Gordon, the News

which preceded the

PITCH OF THE GAME: A high and inside fastball to Gordon which was perhaps incorrectly called for a third strike, which set up the

HECKLE OF THE GAME: "Hey! Respect the umpire!"-Gomez

Which led to Gomez being hit by an extremely petty and wimpy fastball in his next at-bat.

SHAKE IT OFF, BITCHES!  WE GOT THE D.C. BRIANS

AT HOME NEXT WEEK.

I SWEAR TO GOD THERE WILL BE STATS

POSTED HERE SOON

NEXT GAME: DEALERS @ NEWS, WILLARD PARK 5/18/13 1:00 P.M.

The 33rd anniversary of Ian Curtis's death. Soundtrack will be Joy Division, New Order and various other sad young English men of the late '70s/early '80s. DON'T EVER FADE AWAY, I NEED YOU HERE TODAY, DON'T EVER FADE AWAY, DON'T EVER FADE AWAY, DON'T EVER FADE AWAY, DON'T EVER FADE AWAY

Let's kick the shit out of these overrated overeducated humanoids FOR IAN no suicides permitted

29ers 10, Dealers 9

RECAP:  Well, we were up 8-1 and on top of the world, and then, to quote the Cuban poet Andres Gomez, "we shit the bed." The 29ers and their Soviet-looking phalanx of healthy and
indistinguishable young men kept chipping away at our small and banged-up crew, with a cheap hit here and a runner's interference there, and we eventually lost 10-9. It was a noble effort that could have easily gone the other way, and we should hold our heads high after we finish puking.

PLAYER OF THE GAME: I'm going to say Eric Rosen, because he tore the cover off the ball as always, played all nine innings of an excruciatingly slow game despite a looming family obligation, and  because my racist alcoholic uncle always told me to curry favor with Jewish people, as "they have the gold." Honorable mention to Justin Flowers, who was his usual self: gutsy, skilled, dedicated, and dutiful in the losing effort. Sorry we let ya down Flow.

DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE GAME: Sam Bull, scrambling madly for a foul popup and making a graceful sliding catch in front of the awestruck 29er bench for a crucial second out in the tense later innings. Christ, is he handsome. His grandmother says he looks like a young Gregory Peck.

NISSAN DRIVE OF THE GAME: The deadly Kristina Melendez ripping a low opposite-field liner with the bases loaded, knocking in two runs and proving female superiority once and for all, esp. as her male teammates struggled to figure out how to run the bases ahead of her

WORST PLAY OF THE GAME: The pickle. Do you know how it feels to have the 29ers refer to you as "pickleboy" for the rest of your days because you're too fat and slow to chase after Mickey's sister's boyfriend? IT HURTS

PITCH(ES) OF THE GAME:: A nasty brushback that instilled some reticence in the 29ers' loudmouthed catcher, and a terribly unfair waste pitch of an elevator fastball to strike out this guy:

 

STATS COMING SOON, I PROMISE!