Berkeley News 15, Mission Street Dealers 7

RECAP: We were forced to journey to the sun-baked wilderness of southeast Berkeley, to play on a junior high-sized field against junior high-sized men. We fell into an early hole and never caught up to those tiny but skilled baseball wonks with postgraduate degrees and health insurance, seemingly none of whom have the slightest anxiety about hitting with two strikes. This is because they are robots. On the plus side, Will hit a lot of them.

PLAYER OF THE GAME:  Crizzle. Before today he had struggled somewhat to adapt to the low level of play in our league, sort of like how Einstein got bad grades in school. Today it came together, and he is now basically a WMD who probably violates several of the Geneva Conventions. There will be desperate meetings about how to deal with him. He will probably get walked a lot.

PONTIAC VIBE DRIVE(S) OF THE GAME: GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. GOMEZ, CRIZZLE. You were probably there, you saw it. You want me to paint you a fucking picture? A "word picture?" Go to hell.

Honorable Mention: John Segura's RBI blast to deep right-center. He is quietly and unexpectedly turning into Ted goddamn Williams. (They're both ferocious Mexican-American lefty mashers from southern California, and they both fought in the Korean War.)

DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE GAME: Mark Moss relentlessly tracking a deep gapper to right-center and making a fucking insane backwards-leaping catch over his head. He is a gazelle that drinks cheetah blood. He is a major cause of Indonesian tsunamis.

Honorable Mention: Thoms to Toesy to Gomez for our first double play of 2013 (against the News' leadoff hitter, no less). A nice shorthop at SS, a nice transfer at 2B, and a nice pick at 1B.

FAT JOKE OF THE GAME: Sam Bull beating out a grounder to the 5.5 hole and being congratulated by first base coach Will Cornyn: "Only seven seconds to first base!"

WORST THING OF THE GAME: Some befuddled baserunner plowing into Mark Moss, which somehow didn't result in an interference call, which set up the

QUOTE OF THE GAME: "You have to respect the umpire"-Gordon, the News

which preceded the

PITCH OF THE GAME: A high and inside fastball to Gordon which was perhaps incorrectly called for a third strike, which set up the

HECKLE OF THE GAME: "Hey! Respect the umpire!"-Gomez

Which led to Gomez being hit by an extremely petty and wimpy fastball in his next at-bat.

SHAKE IT OFF, BITCHES!  WE GOT THE D.C. BRIANS

AT HOME NEXT WEEK.

I SWEAR TO GOD THERE WILL BE STATS

POSTED HERE SOON