RECAP: In keeping with our bizarrely bad luck, the Brians decided to notch their first win of the year against us today, and they did so by trotting out some pitcher named Vinnie I've never even fucking heard of.
pictured: Vinnie
He was tough, and we lost. To be honest, I have no idea why those guys were 0-8, because today they were scrappy and feisty and tenacious and all of those dumbass baseball clichés. Their uniforms still look like pretentious Web 2.0 shit, though.
PLAYER OF THE GAME: Sam Bull
pictured: Sam Bull
I write these things, why not? Flowers hit me in the face with a 55-foot bouncing curveball, I caught all nine innings on a hot day despite being warned by doctors my heart would explode if I walked up stairs, and I had two infield hits. I also participated in a successful rundown (Thank you for your tutelage, Spoon). The 29ers no longer call me "pickleboy." I am now known by that exalted honorific, "faggot."
DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE GAME: Andrew "Toesy" Hamilton steadfastly backtracking on what initially seemed to be a sure home run to deep LF and eventually hauling it in mid-collapse like an adorable tired puppy. He's the best.
Honorable Mention: Vincent Martini ranging to his left and making a deft one-hop cutoff of a hard-hit single that surely would have been a double if the slowest runner in the league hadn't hit it, and if Vincent Martini hadn't been born in 1987. When you think of the great sports moments in history-The Shot Heard 'Round the World, Dwight Clark's catch, Secretariat at the '73 Belmont, Miracle on Ice-does anything really stick in your mind as much as THE CUTOFF?
VOLVO DRIVE OF THE GAME:
pictured: Chrizzle
Chrizzle is basically a fucking Haitian voodoo legend at this point. With two outs and two on in the 9th, he took a 3-0 pitch and buttfucked it clear onto the roof of the Potrero Hill rec center, right by the weirdly preserved painting of O.J. Simpson (another notoriously unpunished public menace). I don't know where Chrizzle came from. I don't want to know. Like with Rambo, just be grateful he's on our side.
FIGHT OF THE GAME: The Brians' starting pitcher causing a major game delay by taking a lengthy and leisurely shit in the rec center bathroom in between innings, which provoked skipper John Segura to legitimately ask "what the fuck?" which led to Brian Woods arguing that since we failed to start at 1:00pm we should obviously be tolerant of any time delays on behalf of the Brians. The fight was settled when John and Brian murdered each other with knives.
GOLDEN SOMBRERO: Sorry, Doc Rosen. You've been tearing it up at the plate all year but that Vinnie guy played you like a Stradivarius.
QUOTE OF THE GAME: "Ay Mickey come on"-Virgil
DAD OF THE GAME: Chrizzle's. What a world it would be if they were all so present and supportive.
BASERUNNING FLOURISH OF THE GAME: Will Cornyn scoring from second on a single while carrying his own batting helmet at arm's length like a disdainful English butler
MARK MOSS OF THE GAME: Mark Moss
RICHMOND CLEANERS @ M.S. DEALERS NEXT WEEK
WHO EVEN FUCKING KNOWS?
PS The actual player of the game was probably either Chrizzle or Mark
ReplyDeleteAlso forgot to mention in the Fight of the Game section the collective hissy fit thrown by the Brians after one of their guys let himself be hit by a pitch and the umpire correctly denied him the free base. Good job, Danny. The inevitable coda was John getting hit by a pitch and everybody howling about whether he showed enough effort in avoiding it. Good times.
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