Dealers 7, Brians 6: "I Didn't Come Here to Fucking Umpire"

RECAP: The DC Brians are a scary team who were bullied for a long time but have recently been asserting themselves, like that boy in Taft who brought a shotgun to his high school. This was a must-win game for us (they pretty much all are at this point); our "BACKS WERE AGAINST THE WALL," to use an insufferable sports cliché (have any of you guys actually been in a back-alley street fight situation where your back was against a wall? Cornyn, put your hand down), and like men of true grit and character, which most of us aren't, we came back from an early deficit to pull off a hair-raising 7-6 win. We had a sloppy first inning, which shouldn't surprise us anymore, and I think it was 4-0 in something like the fourth inning when we mounted a kickass rally for three runs. Then (this is the beauty part) we continued to score in the subsequent innings. Calm, collected, smart, nobody trying to murder the ball (well Crizzle was, but asking him not to murder things is like asking John to lay off the internet porn); just stringing together walks, base hits, and even the occasional extra base on a bad pickoff throw (thank you, yes I do run like the majestic springbok). So it was 7-4 going into the 9th, and I think we all foolishly expected the door to slam shut uneventfully, but, uh, it didn't. Did I mention, for those of you who weren't there, that the Brians failed to bring an umpire, so the team at bat umpired themselves for the entire game? It SUCKED. The Brians staged a weird rally, aided by the officiating of THEMSELVES, to make it 7-6 with the bases loaded and only one out. At this point I was already thinking about how to rig a rubber tube from the exhaust pipe of Gomez's Rav4 to my mouth for a quick 'n' painless death. We drew the infield in and agreed to go to home in the event of a ground ball. Of course, we forgot we had a wild card on our team.

Batting 6th and playing third base

 

The Brians' leadoff hitter (Vinny, definitely not the slowest guy on that team) hit a chopper to Will at 3rd, and while everyone's stomachs simultaneously fell out of their asses, Will stepped on third and whipped a 105-mph fastball to first base for a GAME-ENDING DOUBLE PLAY. A small child was umpiring for the Brians at the time (it was that kind of day) and he incorrectly called Vinny safe, but we just walked off the field like dicks. NO REGRETS. TWO-GAME WINNING STREAK, BITCHES

 

PLAYER OF THE GAME: You.      

   You

 

It seemed weak and unimaginative to give it to Flowers for three weeks in a row, so I'm going to use this section to honor the whole team. Everyone contributed today. Cornyn made the play of (possibly) the year. Jimmy had a crucial RBI smash. Rosen was an absolutely top-flight postgame drinking buddy, dispatching avuncular advice and encouragement in my efforts to get laid (none of it worked). Gomez had that awesome broken-bat single; rest in peace, axe bat. You were too beautiful and avant-garde for this world. Crizzle made an improbable, extremely athletic running catch on a tailing fly ball to the left-center gap. Spoon built our confidence and made us feel loved by spooning with each of us individually before the game, and Toesy is just fucking CUTE, there's no other way to say it. Have you seen how much that dog loves him? Sammy whimpers heartbreakingly whenever Toesy wanders more than five feet away from him. (The dog does the same thing.)

 

Oh and John didn't even get to play, but he showed up at the end of the game and took it upon himself to listen to the Brians' complaints about the umpiring controversy. He is the most selfless guy around. WE LOVE YOU SKIP. Thank you for telling me about that website.

 

AL COWLINGS DRIVE OF THE GAME: Flowers helping himself out with a bases-loaded opposite-field line drive, knocking in two huge runs (to put us ahead I think?) Look at this vision of  loveliness:

  

Photo stolen from Elias Perez

 

PLAY OF THE GAME: Duh. After Cornyn made the play I charged straight towards him with my arms outstretched and for the first time, I saw primal fear in his eyes. He ended up escaping into the dugout.

 

 

 

STUPID CONTROVERSY OF THE GAME: Yeah, yeah, "respect the umpire." When you find one, we'll respect him.

 

MARK MOSS OF THE GAME: Toesy

 

 

STATS WILL BE A LITTLE LATE BUT YOU'RE USED TO THAT

 

NEXT: SUNDAY, AUGUST 4TH VS. CLEANERS (HOME GAME)

 

 

DENNIS FARINA 1944-2013